God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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