My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Randomize
