How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
