I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
