My hand turned me down
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
