i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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