I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
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