Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
