Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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