Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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