I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I need to align my fucking chakras
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
