I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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