some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
