you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Just cropdusted the office
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
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