Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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