what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
