and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
I just sucked dick on a ferry
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
