My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
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