I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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