I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
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