Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
