i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
