Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
It's official drugs can't kill me
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
