I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
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