how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Randomize
