The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
