Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Randomize
