I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
