i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I think I just sharted jello shots
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