Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
