the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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