You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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