Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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