i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
