Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
