guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
