I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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