good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Randomize
