Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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