Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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