You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
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