I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I believe in your delicious
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
