I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
im calling her cock vulture from now on
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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