I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Randomize
