Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Randomize
