I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
