We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
