Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
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