I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Randomize
