made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
