using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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