tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
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