Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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